Relationships between individuals with anxious attachment styles and those with avoidant attachment styles often encounter a frustrating dynamic that will harm the relationship if not addressed. However, by both partners developing more secure attachment behaviors, this cycle can be halted, allowing the relationship to thrive. Let me explain how this plays out and the path to resolving it.

The Anxious Partner's Perspective

The partner with an anxious/fearful-avoidant attachment style often grew up with some degree of childhood trauma or inconsistent parenting. This created a tendency toward hypervigilance about threats as well as negative cognitive biases where they fixate on any potential signs of distancing or rejection in the relationship. Their core need is to feel fully seen, heard, understood, and able to feel secure in their partner's commitment. Only then can they relax into trusting the relationship.

Here is how this insecurity might play out:

Wife (Anxious Partner): "I feel like you don't care about me when you spend so much time working late. "

Husband (Avoidant Partner): "I'm just trying to provide for us. Why do you always have to make everything about you?"

Notice how this response is an attempt of the partner to say they do care. However, to an anxious partner, this response will only further confirm their partner doesn't care about them as it invalidates the expressed anxiety. 

The Avoidant Partner's Perspective

On the other hand, the dismissive-avoidant partner likely experienced childhood emotional neglect. As a coping mechanism, they learned to suppress deeper emotions and vulnerabilities, distracting themselves with activities that made them feel competent. Conflict and emotional closeness feel triggering, driving them into withdrawal as a protection method. Their core need is to maintain autonomy, emotional calm, and avoid subjective judgments or criticisms that make them feel defective.

Consider how this plays out:

Wife (Anxious Partner): "Why do you always seem to pull away when I try to talk about our relationship?"

Husband (Avoidant Partner): "Not this again. Can't we just have a nice evening without you bringing up problems?"

Breaking the Negative Cycle

When both partners take responsibility for insecure patterns, sharing an understanding of this dynamic, and practicing secure responding, the negative cycle can be broken. 

Buildin Upon the Positive Chanes of Secure Relating. Example Conversation:

Wife (Anxious Partner): "I appreciate you making an effort to communicate more. It really helps me feel secure."

Husband (Avoidant Partner): "And I appreciate you understanding my need for space sometimes. We're getting better at this together."

It requires work, but the anxious-avoidant dynamic is very repairable when both people are willing to challenge their insecure tendencies, communicate respective needs, and meet in the middle with healthy, securely attached behaviors over time. You can do this. In session, I will work with you and your spouse to implement secure attachment behaviors with each other. This may feel a bit rigid at first but with continued practice and changed dynamics that result, you will begin to implement it outside of session and will have a changed relationship, at least up to 70% will.