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January 31, 2024
Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, but for those with a Fearful Avoidant (FA) attachment style, it can become a tempestuous sea of repeated grievances. Individuals with FA attachment often find themselves caught in a cycle of needing to be heard and understood so profoundly that they may rehash an issue tirelessly. Those on the receiving end may say their partner is "rehashing an old argument" or "beating a dead horse," and as a result the partner may feel berated and talked down to, as if their ability to comprehend is being underestimated.
At the heart of this relentless pursuit for clarity is the FA's deep need to be seen, heard, and fundamentally understood—needs so vital that they equate to trust. For the FA, there is a fear of betrayal and an anxiety that they cannot trust those closest to them. When hurt, they feel compelled to express their pain from every angle, hoping to engrain their experience in their partner's mind to prevent future harm and build a foundation of trust and safety.
Example Conversation with Fearful Avoidant and Dismissive Avoidant Dynamics (note that these dynamics can change and the conversation would look different)
Let's consider an example conversation between an FA and a Dismissive Avoidant (DA) partner, a pairing that is often drawn to each other despite their vastly different coping mechanisms and ways that they approach emotions:
FA: "I can't believe you forgot our anniversary. It feels like you just don't care about our relationship the way I do. It's like that time you didn't call when you were running late, and I was left worrying for hours."
DA: "We've been over this. I said I was sorry about the anniversary. Why do you keep bringing up the past? It's exhausting."
FA: "Because it keeps happening! It's not just about the anniversary. It's about feeling valued and important to you. I need to know you understand that."
DA: "I understand, but I can't change the past. What do you want me to do? You're making a mountain out of a molehill."
FA: "Well, it doesn't sound to me like you care" " I am just trying to bring it up and your already dismissing my concern."
DA: "Oh, boy, "here we go again"
In this interaction, the FA is seeking deep emotional validation, while the DA feels overwhelmed by the intensity and persistence of the conversation. The DA's response, comes across as minimizing or dismissive, which actually exacerbates the FA's fears and perpetuate the cycle of conflict.
The Antidote to Help Your FA Partner Regulate
To help an FA partner regulate their emotions and break the cycle of repetition, it's crucial to provide empathetic and kind cues that show a deep understanding of their perspective or of their concern that they brough up. Instead of a simple acknowledgment i.e. "I get it" or "I understand," reflect their feelings back to them and affirm the validity of their experience. Its relatively simple; though from doing this for a while I know it can feel like a monumental action:
DA: "I see that my actions have made you feel unappreciated, and that's the last thing I want. I understand why our anniversary is important, and I'm genuinely sorry for not honoring it the way you deserve."
This kind of response acknowledges the FA's feelings and demonstrates a willingness to engage with their emotional reality. It can help disarm the FA's emotional reactivity and foster a more constructive dialogue.
Now, this is also where I will see FA's communicate it agian to make sure they heard and this can then lead to the DA going back to a dismissive or defensive response and the cycle will kick back in. Thus, it is crucial for a DA to just stay with that for just little bit longer and it will work wonders.
Ok What if You are Dismissive Avoidant?
As a DA, it's also essential to recognize your own attachment insecurities and how they might contribute to the conflict. Defensiveness and an inability to fully absorb your partner's feelings can stem from your own wounds, which may include feelings of being judged or unfairly criticized. By stepping into your own attachment security, you can learn to set proper boundaries, communicate effectively, and listen and validate your partner's experience without necessarily agreeing with them. Stay Tuned for my Next Blog on this.
Understanding the dynamics between FA and DA attachment styles is key to navigating the complexities of these relationships. If you recognize these patterns in your relationship and are seeking tools to manage them effectively, stay tuned for an upcoming blog series on attachment.
Remember, both partners in a relationship have valid needs and perspectives. Through mutual understanding, empathy, and effective communication, it's possible to transform conflict into a bridge towards deeper connection and trust. There is Hope!
Write me if you want something else covered on fearful attachment. This might be worksheets or side topics. Email at jared@graceandpeacecc.com
Core Wounds of Fearful Avoidant Attachment
Fear of Betrayal: This wound can develop when a child experiences inconsistency in caregiving or observes betrayal between caregivers. It is reinforced if the child is later betrayed by a significant partner, such as infidelity or broken promises, leading to a heightened fear of trust. It is important to consider that a DA may not see something they did as a breakage of trust but that may not be how the FA receives it.
Fear of Abandonment: Often originating from early experiences where a caregiver was emotionally or physically absent. This doesn't necessarily have to be consistent as many FA actually will report a decent parental presence but they can usually identify a couple times where the experienced some absence with what they were going through or felt they couldn't be that vulnerable to share. This fear can be triggered in adulthood when a partner withdraws attention or affection, reinforcing the belief that loved ones will inevitably leave.
Fear of being Unworthy or Inadequate: This wound may be the result of constant criticism or lack of validation during childhood. If a significant partner later dismisses or undervalues the FA's feelings or achievements, it can further entrench feelings of low self-esteem.
Fear of Enmeshment: When a caregiver relies too heavily on a child for emotional support or fails to respect boundaries, it can lead to a fear of losing one's identity in relationships. An FA might have experienced a partner who was overly dependent or controlling, which can trigger a desire to escape closeness.
Confusion Between Love and Pain: If a child witnesses or experiences a relationship where love is intertwined with hurtful behavior, they may come to associate intimacy with pain. This can manifest in seeking out or staying in tumultuous relationships as an adult.
Examples of How FA Wounds Can Develop
Childhood: An FA individual might have had a parent who alternated between warmth and coldness, leaving the child in a constant state of anxiety about the stability of the relationship. For example, a parent might show affection and then suddenly become distant or punitive without clear cause, leading the child to be perpetually on edge.
Significant Partner Relationship: An FA might enter a relationship where they feel a strong connection and vulnerability with their partner. However, if that partner becomes emotionally unavailable or cheats, it can trigger the FA's deep-seated fears of betrayal and abandonment, reinforcing their insecurities and distrust.
The Impact of FA Core Wounds in Relationships
These core wounds can lead FAs to exhibit behaviors that oscillate between clinginess and withdrawal. They may desperately seek closeness and reassurance from their partner but then push them away out of fear of getting too close. This push-pull dynamic can be confusing and painful for both parties involved.
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